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By Dave Barry, a Pulitzer
Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist,
to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram
of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said,
because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000
FEET UP MY BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box
large, enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in
detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow
it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food
that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water,
only with less flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of
powder together in a one-litre
plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water.
(For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32
gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about
an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like
a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of
lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose,
watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying! that after you jump off your roof, you
may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic
here, but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is
pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There
are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend
several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting
violently. You eliminate everything.. And then, when you figure
you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of
MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel
into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even
eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had
been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I
was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a
friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms
said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people,
where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my
clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by
sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel
even more naked than when you are actually naked.
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left
hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and
I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put
vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't
thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got
yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were
staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice
but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure
room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist.
I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden
around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song
was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the
songs that could be playing during this particular procedure,
'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha ha,' I said. ! And then it was time, the moment I had been
dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare
yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail,
exactly what it was like.
I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA
was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and
the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very
mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt
excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was
all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have
never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies . . .
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were
quite humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out
.
. .'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10... 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the VERY best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
up there?
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