By Dave Barry, a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal:
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A
few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour
diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go
all over the place, at one point passing briefly
through Minneapolis .
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I
nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he
said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE
17,000 FEET UP MY BEHIND!'
I
left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a
box large, enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss
MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must
never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's
enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.
Then,
on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my
preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't
eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth,
which is basically water, only with less flavour.
Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic
jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those
unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons).
Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an
hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a
hint of lemon.
The
instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a
great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a
loose, watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying! that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep
is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here,
but have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is
pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle.
There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt.
You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom,
spurting violently. You eliminate everything..
And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you
have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far
as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start
eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The
next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very
nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I
had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do
you apologize to a friend for something like that?
Flowers would not be enough.
At
the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the
forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other
colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space
and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually
naked.
Then
a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my
left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was
very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me
that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I
was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I
pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make
it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire
Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your
house.
When
everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure
room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I
knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point.
Andy
had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There
was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song
was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy
that, of all the songs that could be playing during this
particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least
appropriate.
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
'Ha
ha,' I said. ! And then it was time, the moment I had
been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish,
prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit
detail, exactly what it was like.
I
have no idea. Really. I slept through it.
One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the
tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room,
waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy
was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I
felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told
me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying
colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.
On the subject of Colonoscopies . . .
Colonoscopies
are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous. A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out . . .'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'
10... 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'
And the VERY best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?
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